Give And Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success - Adam Grant

Give And Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success

Depending on the situation, people can take, give or exchange, but each person has a dominant behavioral model

Takers are people who seek to maximize profits and gain the best benefits from any transaction in which they are involved. They focus on the self. Givers satisfy others first. Then there are those who believe in fair exchange. They will give only as much as they receive.

There are advantages and disadvantages to all three behaviors. More often than not, the takers get most of the juice while the givers get the least benefit from any transaction they are involved in because they often forget about their own interests.

Giving has a positive emotion attached to it. Research reveals that when givers are given money with instructions to share it with a stranger, they experienced higher levels of happiness than those who were given more money with instructions to spend it on themselves.

In fact, studies reveal that as you look up the corporate ladder, you find more givers than takers. These people are willing to share their networks with you. They are also open to mentoring others.

There are givers on both sides of the corporate ladder. This is the risk of giving. When you give too much and to the wrong people, you could end up at the bottom of the ladder.

Takers are willing to sacrifice relationships for short – term benefits. They compete at everything and believe in the survival of the fittest. They expect favors, are domineering and seek attention, which they are not willing to give back.

There are people who appear agreeable and lovely but are self – centered. Do not fall for the trick. Wherever they are found, you must learn to spot them and prevent them from exploiting you. If you have a taker in your life — whether professional or personal, you need to be assertive so that they do not continue to take advantage of your relationship with them.

Being assertive requires identifying that your time, energy and financial resources belong to your loved ones before anybody else. For example, if you’re negotiating a salary as a giver and you think about the impact it would have on the people you love, it may enable you to negotiate better pay.

It is good to be a giver because it brings happiness and builds healthy relationships. When you realize that a taker is exploiting your giving nature, it is better to switch to ‘matching’ mode. Be ready to match the competitiveness of the other person for as long as they act as “takers.” Combine altruism with self-care to get the best out of the relationship

Givers are more concerned about helping others than taking credit for their efforts

We all have probably met someone who wowed us with their generosity. What they offered could have been as great as their valuable time or a large sum of money. It could have been as ‘little’ as kindly advice. What we found interesting was that these people offered these things without expecting payback. These people are called givers.

The thing about givers is that they are focused more on how much they give rather than how much they receive. Their goal is to help people and facilitate group success. They willingly share their time, knowledge and other resources to ensure they create value for others. For these people, whether their efforts are rewarded is insignificant. Helping people succeed is enough for them.

George Meyer is an example of how a giver thinks and acts. He is the Emmy Award-winning writer behind The Simpsons. Meyer allowed and even asked other writers to build on his ideas without crediting him as the source. As a result, he is only credited for 12 episodes of The Simpsons out of over 300 episodes he helped create. For him, the goal was to see the show succeed, personal credit paled in comparison.

Meyer invented the expression “meh”, a word first used by Bart on The Simpsons to show boredom. However, he was so unconcerned about self-glory that he forgot he was the inventor of the word! For him, the only worthwhile goal was the success of the show.

“This is what I find most magnetic about successful givers: they get to the top without cutting others down, finding ways of expanding the pie that benefit themselves and the people around them. Whereas success is zero-sum in a group of takers, in groups of givers, it may be true that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.” ~ Adam Grant

Meet Matchers, those who strike a balance between giving and taking

Matchers are people who want as much as they give, not too much, not too little. You know them as people who always want something for their efforts. Think of your friend that offers to drive you to the airport in exchange for mowing his lawn when you return. Unlike givers, they are seeking something of fair value in return for their efforts.

What is important to matchers is a fair exchange. They are somewhere between givers and takers. You can describe their attitude as a tit-for-tat mentality. For them, there is always something worth their efforts. So if they offer assistance to you, they believe you owe them some favor in return. If you don’t return the favor, they feel disgruntled and less inclined to help you at a future time.

This also goes the other way. When you help a matcher, they take note of your assistance and look for the best way to reciprocate. They believe in a world of fair exchange

How much we give or take is shaped by our interactions and the community in which we find ourselves

Most people don’t divide neatly into the givers, takers, or matchers categories. Some people can be givers in one circle and be matchers in another. It is not uncommon for a matcher to become a taker in a different group.

The categories we belong in vary according to the social groups and circumstances we find ourselves in. It is in our nature to amend our behaviors and expectations to the prevailing attitude in a group. For instance, most takers would appear generous in public in order to avoid making bad impressions. Givers may give less if they believe their contributions are being taken for granted.

Communities influence our behaviors. For instance, the online community at Freecycle.org that expects members to give willingly. Members are expected to give unused items away for free. Takers that find themselves in that community will appear to be givers.

According to one study, most people only help those that share similar traits/beliefs with them.

We also react differently based on how we perceive others. If we meet someone that shares similar traits with us, we are more willing to act as givers. This was shown in a study conducted on Manchester United soccer fans. When the fans come across an injured runner wearing a Manchester United branded shirt, 92% of the fans offered to help. This number reduced by two-thirds when the injured runner was wearing a plain T-shirt. This shows we are more likely to give to those who seem similar to us.

Takers lose more than they get when they take more than is necessary

Everyone has needs. To meet that need, we must take what we want. If we keep taking control, we might end up giving up more than we get. History has shown that the more people keep taking without giving, the less respect they have among their community. This would give them a bad reputation, making it hard for them to engage with other people. If this continues, no one will be willing to give them anything.

One example is Jonas Salk, the man who developed the vaccine for polio. He failed to acknowledge that he relied on his research team, input from other scientists, and thousands of health workers. His team was deeply hurt when he claimed sole credit for his work during a press conference. He got the credit for developing the vaccine but he lost so much more.

While other polio researchers were inducted into the National Academy of Sciences, Salk was left behind. He wasn’t considered for the Nobel Prize despite the tremendous value of the polio vaccine to the world today. It is believed that his selfishness is the cause of the loss of these scientific honors.

Another example is the renowned architect Frank Lloyd Wright. He had a reputation for not paying his apprentices and yet forcing them to give him credit for their work. Even more, when his own son requested fair payment for work rendered, Wright produced an invoice for what his son had cost from his birth to that point. In the end, his clients preferred to interact with his apprentices rather than Wright. Although Wright was good at his job, his selfish behavior cost him his business.

People like Salk and Wright are beneficiaries of “taker tax”.

It ruins the taker’s reputation — and business if he has any. Whatever gains have been acquired by a taker pales in comparison to the loss of their reputation and future prospects.

Givers find it easy to rise to the top because they are focused on growth

Most people believe it is better to err on the side of the taker than the giver. When it comes to business or politics, the dominant thought is how to get more out of something or someone. Surprisingly, even in business and politics, givers are often the ones at the top — because they are more concerned about growth than on personal benefits.

If you are skeptical, take a look at history. Abraham Lincoln is an example of someone who was focused on helping others more than himself. For instance, he once stepped down from a senate race to allow Lyman Trumbull, a competitor to win. He did this because he realized they both shared the same goal (abolishing slavery) and Trumball had a better chance of winning. For him, abolishing slavery was more important than getting elected. He was rewarded when Trumball became his advocate when he ran again for the senate.

For a recent example, consider Jason Geller at Deloitte Consulting. Geller developed an information management system that sources and manages data on the company’s clients and competitors. He then shared the system with everyone in his company. This selfless act spurned his supervisors to recommend him for a partner-making him one of the youngest partners at Deloitte.

Givers have vast networks that are of great value to themselves and others

Most people find it awkward when someone they have not been in contact with in years request favors from them. Givers do not feel that way. No matter how distant the relationship has been, their selfless nature makes it easy to grant favors when they can. They are always willing to help. It is this attitude that makes it easy for givers to ask favors from others, even when they haven’t had contacts in years. Adam Rifkin demonstrates this attitude.

Rifkin is a giver, Fortune Magazine’s 2011 best networker and co-founder of the 106 Miles network — a platform for entrepreneurs to meet biweekly to share ideas. Through this platform, Rifkin has helped people get jobs, bounce off business ideas and connect entrepreneurs from all over the world.

This interest in connecting others has also benefited Rifkin. Because of his reputation as a selfless giver, he was able to get business advice from Graham Spencer, co-founder of Excite — despite the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in 5 years! Givers enjoy this because of their reputation as givers. The other party knows he is not being exploited by any request made.

Givers recognize and nurture the potential they find in the people around them

Talent scouts are always looking for proof of talent before they take someone on board. For givers, everyone has potential, whether it is obvious or not is secondary to them. Because of this approach, givers are formidable in developing and nurturing talents. Their protégées enjoy full support which then translates to successful mentorship on the part of the giver.

One good example is Stu Inman. Inman was a basketball manager with the NBA. Although he missed Michael Jordan, he was successful in grooming overlooked players such as Clyde Drexler. Drexler made it to ten All – Star teams, the Olympics and the NBA Basketball Hall of Fame. Inman is considered a guru based on his ability to find and dedicate his grooming to undervalued players.

Another person who had an eye for the undervalued was C.J. Skender. Skender was an accounting professor with numerous awards. His greatest success, however, lies in his ability to recognize and nurture the potential in his students. At some point, he used to write individual letters to his students after they wrote the Certified Public Accountant exam.Successful givers are always rewarded by the immense success of their protégées.

As a reward for his dedication, over 40 of Skender’s students have won laurels for their performances at the Certified Public Accountant exam. His student, Reggie Love, also served as Barack Obama’s personal assistant.

The most successful kind of communication is the powerless kind

We are made to believe that an assertive language is needed if we want to be successful in our interactions with others. It is what we see on television. It is what politicians, public speakers, and salespeople practice. Recent studies show a more effective way of communicating — it is a powerless kind of communication.

Powerless communication demands that you focus on the other person. Rather than trying to assert control, you seek to understand the other person by asking questions and seeking their opinions. This makes people less aggressive. In the end, it makes them receptive to whatever you have to say.

This technique is easy for givers. They are focused on helping people so asking about their opinions comes easy to them.

A study of optometry companies confirms this fact. It was discovered that opticians, who are also givers, were the top sellers. They differ from traditional salespeople because they are focused on knowing the needs of the customers and how to meet that need. This genuine interest breeds trust in the customer. As a result, the customer is receptive to whatever the optician offers him. This is the approach optician Kildare Escoto employs. It is no wonder that Escoto is LensCrafters’ top salesperson.

Another person who employed the powerless communication with great success is Annie, who was at the time an MBA student working for a Fortune 500 company. The plant where she worked was closed and she was transferred to another plant. Moving to the new location would have stopped her studies. Instead of being assertive, she struck a conversation with the Human Resource Manager by asking, “What would you do?” That question helped her gain gaining unlimited access to the company’s private jet so she could shuttle between work and school with ease.

Givers can only rise to the top if they learn to deal with abuse and exhaustion

Successful givers are always happy and always on top. However, not every giver makes it that far. Many of them end up burning themselves out by trying to please everybody. To avoid this, givers must be able to identify takers, especially the excessive kind, and know how to deal with them.

Popular media tells us the best way is to limit how much time spent in helping others. Interestingly, recent studies show that the way is to focus on the impact of helping others have created.

Let’s learn from Conrey Callahan’s experience. Callahan was an exhausted schoolteacher who decided to start a mentoring program. This seems counterintuitive at first as the program added made a demand on time. However, the program allowed her to interact with students as they prepared for college. This close interaction made her realize the impact of her efforts and spurred her to continue.

Givers must also work out a way to deal with people who want to exploit their generosity. To do this, they must know when to react to a taker’s behavior and when to stick to their nature. This strategy is called “generous tit-for-tat.” This means givers should withhold their generosity when takers are taking them for granted. However, occasionally, they should allow their generous nature to take over and offer kind gestures to the taker. This would help the giver stay in control while giving the taker a motivation to change — and probably become a matcher.

Conclusion

Giving brings great benefits to the givers and those around them. Research investigations have shown that it is the givers who win in the end. By creating success for others, they end up creating success for themselves.

The situation we find ourselves in should determine whether we give or take. The level of relationship you share with someone will determine how much you are willing to share with them. Someone who supports the same football club as you is more likely to elicit support from you than someone who doesn’t. It is possible to switch from being a giver to being a taker or a matcher. Situation or context will judge.

In conversations with others, give away your power so that you can get others to your side. People are less likely to resist you when you focus on them, ask questions and seek advice. It makes them feel powerful and makes them want to help you. Do not mistake powerless communication for sweet talk or tricks. It must be natural, honest, and humane to be effective.

Keep your impact in perspective to prevent burn-out as a giver. You will be more productive when you focus on the purpose rather than the activity. Giving is the key to a truly happy and successful life. Keep giving meaningfully.

Try this:
Givers can get the best out of their relationship with takers by matching their competitiveness and being assertive about their needs. In what ways do you think you could learn to be more assertive as a giver? If you are a taker, how do you think you can learn to match your competitiveness with a dose of healthy giving?